<<a lengthy update>>
2004-05-07 - 9:50 p.m.
I suppose an update is due. I'm having a "slumber party" with the girls tonight. Larry is working @ my mom's "new" house in Port Sanilac on the weekends till further notice, which means I'm getting much time to bond with the girls. Speaking of girls, Savannah somehow came down with strep throat this week. The only explanation I can think of is she got it from the grocery store somehow.. she doesn't go to daycare and no one else around here has had it..and thats where we assume she got that evil rotavirus from last year that hospitalized her.. I've gotten very little sleep this entire week.. the girl was up crying almost all of Monday night- I thought she was just cutting new teeth, but when I rolled over to cuddle with her at 5 am before I had to go to work, she was burning up. I freaked out of course.. grabbed the thermometer, and she had a 103.7 fever under her arm..I can't remember if you have to add 1/2 or whole degree to that to make it accurate? So basically.. 104.2 or 104.7 which is just INSANE for anyone..let alone a toddler. I called the nurses line to see if I should take her to the ER and they said to give her tylenol or motrin to see if the fever breaks..to wait an hour basically. It went down quite a bit so we got her in to her pediatrician early that morning who did a strep culture- the first came back negative and the 24 hr culture came back positive.. so we have been pretty sleepless most of the week, but finally the antibiotics seem to be working because she is MUCH more pleasant to be around.. Speaking of the girls.. I scanned some new pictures of them, but when I went to edit them with my editing program it wasn't working.. and when I dug for the cd, what do i find? A cd that has been COLORED with CRAYON on BOTH SIDES. GRRRRRRRRR! Now as far as the van situation goes.. Kia is a bunch of FUCKERS. They called me on Saturday last week and told me I was approved and to come in Tuesday to discuss the finance rate, payments, etc. So I drive all the way out there on Tuesday (which takes a good..25-30 minutes) and the guy goes "well your approved, but the payment exceeds your budget so the bank won't loan you the money". So basically, I have to cough up another $4K on top of the $1500 I was going to use from my student loans if I want it. To hell with all that... I'm going to try to pay most of my car off in September (again with student loan money. sigh) and then see about getting a GM "pep" vehicle- which I guess is basically a fully loaded demo type vehicle? An extended base model Chevy Venture is $24k. Less the $3k or so discount I would get because my mom is an employee, less the $4000 rebates they have been running continuously, and it being a pep car takes about another 10% off the msrp- so for around $15k I can get a 2004 or 2005? Chevy Venture.. I might as well wait... that sounds MUCH better then $22 or $25k... Awww. Savannah has passed out at my feet. Kayleigh is passed out on the couch, and Ashia is watching tv. She just said "mommy! I just saw your buffalo show!"- referring to that Pizza Hut commercial with Jessica Simpson.. I think that is freaking hilarious... Damn this is getting long and I had a lot more to say.. Um. My brother needs to cough up some money for rent here..like now. I'm broke till Larry gets back and I really want to take the girls to the park and for ice cream tomorrow.. I told him last week he needs to pay $200/mo- so basically $50/week. He's already contributed to an increase in all of my utilities- he needs to pay up.. I can't afford to feed him on top of the five of us.. blah. ************************** Its amazing what details an almost 4 year old can recall. We ppv'ed The Cat In The Hat tonight (which for the record is a dumb ass movie..2nd time I have sat through it).. and Kayleigh goes "Mommy! We saw this at the mooovie FEEEATER!! Wif Christy and Joe! But Christy can't watch it again with us because she is dead. And I am so sad and I miss her so much." When I was her age, I had no concept of death. Hell, I didn't even go to my first funeral until I was 10... didn't lose anyone in my 'immediate' family until I was 15 (my grandfather) and even then..while tragic, it was expected..he had terminal cancer.. we knew it was coming.. It hurts me so much that my children have to experience such sorrow so early in their lives.. death, they felt the aftermath of 2002 and part of 2003- with Larry and I at each others throats all the time- things got downright nasty more than once..and they SAW it. And REMEMBER IT. And if there is anything I could take back.. wash away from their little minds..it would be all of that.. Ashia has seen far more then any child should ever see.. I was joking the other night and said "ashia daddy is being MEAN to me!" because Larry wouldn't make me a smoothie and I was too tired to do it myself. She goes "I remember the last time you were mean to mommy and uncle harry and you were yelling at mommy and grabbed her arm" That was almost 2 years ago.. and she just..remembers it all. Its like her little trump card.. Kayleigh freaks out whenever Larry leaves the house because she doesn't think he is coming back.. tonight she was a mess when he left. Screaming, crying, shaking...and I know I'm partially at fault for that.. and I don't know how to fix that.. I don't know how to undo some of the emotional stress and anguish I have caused them.. or that Larry has caused them... *************************************** As much as I want to cherish my memories of Christy, some days I just wish the last few hours of her life and the next few days could be erased from my memories. Its like the images are constantly playing over and over in my mind. They go in order- from me first seeing her hooked up on the life support, to me kissing her forehead and telling her good bye.. to her in the casket... I DONT WANT TO REMEMBER THAT AND I WISH THEY WOULD STOP. I just want some peace... 2 months! :( of those images... over and over and over again.. you start to forget the good and just think of how damn awful that week in March was... Insomnia once again.. if anyone is online, aim me- stefani189 ~*s.
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>> Last 5 Entries:
Farewell, Diaryland. - 2004-11-01
not the ultimate sacrifice..but a pretty big one... - 2004-06-23
well. doesnt this suck? - 2004-06-12
A trip to paradise - 2004-06-10
Bittersweet memories, part 2 - 2004-05-27
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