<<Bittersweet Memories>>
2004-06-04 - 7:21 a.m.

*warning. long.*

I have a problem with remembering things.

Whenever I am under a great deal of stress or emotions, I forget. My mind erases the details.

I see pictures of Christmas 1999. But it doesn't seem like it ever happened. I am always so down in them, with a fake smile.

Not everyone new of the news I had just been given. They all knew I was pregnant. But only my parents, and Larry knew of the phone call I had recieved a few days before Christmas, while I was at work.

My midwife called and told me that one of my blood tests came back with poor results. That there was a "very high possiblity that your baby has Trisomy 18, which is like Downs Syndrome." She said that I needed to make an appointment for an ultrasound and genetic counseling immediately. I just started sobbing uncontrollably. At this time, my department consisted only of men. I was the only female. One of the guys was sitting right there when I took that call. He saw me break down (which I had never done before at work) and asked if I was ok and if there was anything he could do. I couldn't speak. I said something to the effect of I have to go home NOW.

I left immediately. I walked in the house, tears flowing down my face, and went to my bedroom. I immediately sat down at the computer and did a search on 'Trisomy 18'. I thought to myself, if this is Downs Syndrome, we can handle this! I was overcome with emotions when I found out that Trisomy 18 isn't Down's Syndrome. Its Edwards Syndrome.

What information I could find was not very promising. The majority of babies with Trisomy 18 are not born alive. The ones who are generally do not make it until their first birthday. Very, very few survive to adulthood. I laid down in the bed and cried and cried until I fell asleep.

Larry had no idea what was wrong with me. I tried to tell him (before i fell asleep) but I had a hard time getting the words out. After I woke up, I placed those phone calls to make my appointments for Ultrasound & Genetic counseling. They were 3 days away, scheduled for Christmas Eve.

I spent much of the next 3 days crying. Crying and researching and hoping and praying. Larry had very mixed feelings about having a baby with this disorder. My dad didn't know what to say. I knew that I would not terminate the pregnancy even if the unthinkable was true. My dad's bitch ex girlfriend asked something so shallow when I told her that I would be keeping the baby regardless. She said "how can you do that to Ashia?" Those words are forever burned in my memory. I don't know how someone could be so cold.

Larry had to drive me to the hospital for the ultrasound. I was crying so hard and having panic attacks. I couldn't see straight. This is NOT how things are supposed to be the day before Christmas when you have a 2 year old. This is NOT how things are supposed to be when you are 18 weeks pregnant.

When the ultrasound technician came in, I broke down again. I couldn't bring myself to look at the screen. They wouldn't give me any details until the end. The doctor who reviewed them tried to comfort me and gave me the directions to the genetic counselor office. Which was located in the maternity ward of the hospital.

Walking down that hallway past the labor-delivery rooms was sheer hell. To know that these women were experiencing such a beautiful miracle, life... and to not know if I would be experiencing the same a few months in the future was heartbreaking. How would I cope if i lost this baby that I had wanted so badly? More importantly..how would I explain this to Ashia?

As we sat down in the office of the genetic counselor, we were asked if we knew what Trisomy 18 was. I told her about the research that I did. She asked if I had found the fatality rate. I told her I had. She asked if I would consider terminating the pregnancy if I opted to go for the amniocentesis and the results came back positive for Trisomy 18. Without even looking at Larry or consulting him on my decision, I told her "I will not play God." I was then told that having an amniocentesis would increase my chance of a miscarriage, to 1 in 200. Against my better judgement (being that I am much more educated now on amniocentesis, the faulty triple screen test that led me here to begin with, etc) I opted to have the amniocentesis done. I wasn't prepared for her to hand me the gown. I had no idea we were going to do it then. On Christmas Eve.

I was explained the procedure and my expanding belly was rubbed in antiseptic. I was told it would only pinch for a few seconds while they drew the amniotic fluid. I watched the ultrasound screen while they punctured my abdomen, then my uterus with this massive needle. It was excruciatingly painful. Far worse then any "pinch" I had ever experienced. A "few seconds" turned into several minutes, as they were having trouble drawing the amniotic fluid. When they finally were finished, the doctor held up the vial of amniotic fluid. I was cleaned up and left to rest for a while, to make sure I didn't start to miscarry. I was sent home, and told I would recieve a call in 2-3 weeks.

Thats all that I can remember. I have lost all memories from Christmas Eve 1999-January 4th 2000. How do you forget your daughter's 3rd christmas? What you gave her? Who you celebrated it with?

On January 4th, 2000, I was driving to work early one morning. I was taking the ramp from I-94 to US23 and something happened. I'm not sure what. I have heard that the roads were slick that day. I have heard that there was 'road kill' that I ran over. Somehow while merging onto US23 I lost control of my car. I started fish tailing. Then going in circles. I hit the cement wall that separates the ramp from the high way. I remember seeing a green car out of the corner of my eye trying to pass me. My car was thrown to the side of the highway. I was dazed. I saw the green camaro in front of me. I saw a guy in a trench coat come out of the car and walk towards me. I thought he was going to kill me! The police arrived soon after and asked if I was ok to drive. I thought I was. I didn't realize how badly my car was damaged. They didn't press the ambulance issue. I wish they would have.

I recieved my ticket for "driving too fast for conditions" and drove to work. I noticed my car was steering kind of funny- but i was on this adrenaline rush. I made it to work about an hour late. I called Larry and my dad and told them what had happened. I then sat down and started to work. As soon as I sat down, pain started shooting up my spine. Within 10 minutes it becamse unbearable. I called Larry back and told him to come get me and take me to the hospital. I hadn't felt the baby kick since before the accident.

We walked into the U of M ER. I was immediately placed in a wheelchair and wheeled back. Far different then the normal waiting time to see someone.

They made me lay on the stretcher on my back, flat for about an hour until the doctor came in. They did an exam to make sure that I wasn't dialated. They did an ultrasound. They monitored me for contractions. The doctor initially told me that after X-rays were done, i would be sent to triage for 4 hours of monitoring. I think we waited another 2 hours for the x-rays of my back and neck. While they were waiting on the results, the doctor came back and asked me my due date. I told him- June 6th. He then informed me that because I wasn't 20 weeks along, i wouldn't be sent to triage for monitoring afterall. There would be nothing they could do for my child if I began to miscarry due to the accident. I told him about the amniocentesis I had 10 days prior and asked if he had anyway to access the results. He checked the computer and they were not listed yet.

Finally we were sent home. I had to have a flat bed pick up my car from work. The sway bar was completely bent and I couldn't control my car at all when I was driving it.

That night I was in incredible pain. And all I could take for it was extra strength tylenol. The next few nights weren't much better.

A few days later, the phone rang while I was in the shower getting ready for work. It was around 7:15 am. It was the hospital and they had my test results. I called them back immediately.

Waiting for the counselor to retrieve my results felt like it took HOURS instead of minutes. She told me that genetically my child was NORMAL and asked if I wanted to know the sex.

I did.

I was told I was having a girl, and to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy.

To be continued..

Stephanie

<< >>

Last 5 Entries:
Farewell, Diaryland. - 2004-11-01
not the ultimate sacrifice..but a pretty big one... - 2004-06-23
well. doesnt this suck? - 2004-06-12
A trip to paradise - 2004-06-10
Bittersweet memories, part 2 - 2004-05-27